


Sunblock

by Inkess



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Destroy Ending, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-25
Updated: 2013-06-25
Packaged: 2017-12-16 03:44:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/857384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inkess/pseuds/Inkess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a bad idea to go out on a sunny Palaven day without proper protection if you're a non-turian. Shepard discovers this first-hand and opens a can of worms she kept carefully sealed. Post-Destroy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The air felt hot and heavy, even in the filtered area of the Cipritine spaceport. Every breath Shepard took assaulted her nose with strong smell of ashes, making her feel sick. It reminded her too much of London and that damn forest from her dreams.

It's been five years since the war ended. The Reapers were gone. The price had been paid. Shepard sighed and leaned on Garrus, who grasped her without a word and supported her as he made way through the crowd. Walking could be such effort without the Cerberus cybernetics and with God knows what other damage she suffered when the Citadel exploded around her.

_"Even you are partly synthetic."_  She shook her head.  _Not here. Not now._

_"The peace will not last."_  She bit on her lip.  _Not ever._

Shepard blinked several times and, still leaning on Garrus, focused on the spaceport around her. To focus on here and now was the only way to escape the memories.

To say that the huge arrival hall was crowded was an understatement; it was packed from wall to wall. It wasn't surprising, Shepard thought. The relays on the route between Earth and Palaven have been fixed barely a month ago. Many turians, stranded after the Battle of the Crucible, were rushing to return home.

While she was running away—

No. She was returning home, too. To her new home. She never had one after the raid on Mindoir. It surely wasn't wrong for a war hero to retire and enjoy domestic happiness with her bondmate, was it? Especially when said war hero was nearly reduced to a cripple and had ghosts whispering in her ears even during her waking hours.

Garrus spotted an empty seat and quickly took her to it. "I'll be right back, love," he said, and her heart fluttered despite the shame of being unstable on her feet. "Damn customs and their paperwork."

"I know," she nodded. "I'm sure they'll have understanding for the newly elected primarch and hurry things up." He chuckled, a little forced, and turned around.

Her eyes were glued to Garrus' back as he elbowed his way through the crowd. "Mommy, look, a human!" The tiny voice of a turian child made her flinch and bow her head, letting the long hair cover her face, but the damage was done. The girl was pointing her hand at Shepard, which was enough to draw attention of several adult turians around her. With a corner of her eye she saw surprise and recognition on their faces, followed by either pity or anger.

_What? My face is nearly falling apart without the Cerberus implants? Yeah, I know. Your loved one starved on Earth? Someone you knew died because the red blast made a piece of tech explode in their face? What?! Go on, I've heard it all!_

Shepard wanted so hard to say this, to look into their accusing eyes and yell at the top of her lungs. Instead, she kept her head down and let the storm pass. In the past few months, ever since she woke up, she saw such faces often. Too often. It didn't make it any easier to bear.

_"I feel truly alive. That is your influence."_

_"Does this unit have a soul?"_

She pressed her palms against her ears, as if the accusing voices didn't come from within her head. Then she saw Joker's eyes, burning with the same fury she saw a minute ago, followed with Garrus, somber and with stiff mandibles informing her that Tali didn't make it through the ordeal when the  _Normandy_  was stranded.

Shepard swallowed hard and closed her eyes. The blast damaged EDI irreversibly. Adams managed to get her functional again, but at the cost of her memories and personality. She wasn't the same person, the same AI anymore, and Joker was devastated. Tali's suit malfunctioned and she came down with fever from which she never recovered. How many more quarians died because of the same reason? How much more time will they need to re-adapt to their own planet now that the geth weren't around to help them?

_What have I done? What have I do—_

Someone laid a hand on her shoulder, gripping it firmly. She didn't have to open her eyes to know that it was Garrus. His stalwart presence, combined with his faith in her were the only things that kept her sane in the past four months. His hand moved from her shoulder to brush the hair off her face in a practiced, relaxed motion. She managed a small smile. Even in this situation he couldn't resist playing with her floppy fringe, as he usually called her hair.

"All set," he said, returning the smile. "They even got a skycar waiting for us."

"Privileges, huh?" She tried to chuckle, but it wasn't quite working.

"You wanted to be the primarch's bondmate." His attempt at chuckling went much better. "Get used to perks."

She stood up on her own and without wobbling. Whatever he did, it seemed to have an almost magical effect on her. "We aren't bonded yet. Officially," she said, feeling her smile deepening.

"We will be. And soon. That's what's expected of a primarch." His smile turned into a grin. It looked like he was eagerly awaiting it. So did she, but the talk of bonding,  _marriage,_ still made her insides clench at the first thought. It wasn't something that could happen to Commander Shepard.

"Even when said primarch wasn't next in the line of succession after the death of the old one?" Shepard asked to cover up her nervousness and immediately regretted it. His expression turned grim for a moment before he managed to put up the usual smile again.

"Things change," he shrugged. "But some still stay the same."

_Of course things changed,_  she thought.  _Thanks to me._  The entire galaxy was in disarray. Very few things remained the same. So far the alliances she created during the war still held, but what would happen when everyone stopped licking the wounds and returned to the old ways eventually?

She shook her head again.  _Not here. Not now. Not ever._

"Let's go." She began walking. Garrus offered a hand. "I can still walk on my own sometimes," she drawled mockingly.

He took her hand anyway and dragged her gently towards the exit. "You don't know the way," he replied in the same manner. "And I can hold my love's hand whenever I want," he added, slightly more serious.

_That_  word again. This time it made her heart melt, not flutter and she let out a sincere laugh. She could still laugh. Maybe there was hope yet.

Just before they reached the door, they were stopped by a spaceport official. "Excuse me, ma'am?" he said, holding out an environmental suit. "All non-turians need to wear this when exposed directly to Trebia's rays."

Right. She knew this was supposed to happen. And yet looking at the suit made her feel very unsettled for no apparent reason. "Do… do I have to wear it?" She frowned and swallowed hard. "There's a skycar waiting for us nearby."

"Is the vehicle shielded against radiation?" the official asked. Garrus and Shepard both shrugged. "Then I'd advise wearing it."

"What's wrong, Shepard?" Garrus looked at her quizzically.

"Nothing," she sighed and stepped into the suit, securing the mask over her face. It wasn't much different than wearing armor with a breather helmet, but the unsettling feeling she experienced earlier returned even stronger.

The official turned to Garrus and offered a breather mask suited to fit on a turian face. It was now his turn to frown and look uneasy. "It's windy today, sir," the official explained. "With all the ash and dust from the Reaper invasion still present in Palaven's atmosphere, you're guaranteed to have a coughing fit if you go out unprotected."

Garrus grunted and took the mask but didn't put it on.

"Garrus…" she tried, but he shook his head and began walking.

"Welcome to Palaven." The official waved them goodbye, apparently without irony.

They were both quiet as they walked to the skycar's parking spot. It didn't take longer than a few minutes before Garrus broke down with a coughing fit. He struggled for a moment with both the cough and the breather's strap, but succeeded in putting it on eventually. "I have to wear a mask on my own planet…" he muttered under his breath, but Shepard heard him.

That did remind her of something and, with a hot, burning feeling in her eyes, she realized where that unsettling feeling came from.

_I'm sorry, Tali. I'm so sorry,_  she mouthed as they entered the skycar. There was a drop of water in a corner of her eye.

* * *

The life of a bonded woman wasn't so bad after all, Shepard thought as she watched over the two pans on the stove. One for her, one for Garrus. She was actually getting good at cooking. She was also getting used to see her scarred face in mirrors around their apartment, now decorated with blue markings. Not that anyone outside their home could see it, because—

She shook her head and focused on the stove again. There was no way in the world she'd let her mind wander and screw up another breakfast. She chanced a look at Garrus, laying sprawled on the couch, reading something on his omni-tool and enjoying the morning peace before the inevitable primarch's duties caught up with him.

He looked so much better ever since they lived together. She still shuddered inwardly when she remembered waking up in the hospital. Although she was happy out of her mind to see his face hovering over her, his tortured, starved look shocked her as soon as she was able to think straight and notice it properly.

_How? How did he survive?_ Shepard had to ask herself this yet again as she removed the pans from the stove and searched for plates to serve the breakfast on. The planet that the  _Normandy_  ended up stranded on was a garden world, but the life on it was levo-based. The dextro supplies they had on the ship couldn't last for as long as they were there. What did Chakwas do to keep him alive? Or was it just his iron will and determination to see her again? Then, when they managed to return to Earth (the relay to that system was the first one fixed and she shuddered at the thought of how much effort was put into bringing the  _Normandy_  back), he spent months, years in the hospital, watching over her. Dextro food wasn't in high supply on Earth either, but he endured and his face was the first thing she saw after opening her eyes.

The least she could do now, to somehow return what he did for her, was to erase the last trace of those gaunt cheeks next to her bed (she had no clue that turians  _could_  have gaunt cheeks, but that was the only way to describe how he looked back then). This is why she always cooked him the most nutritious or high-calorie food she could find.

Garrus was apparently drawn to the smell of the plates she carried in her hands because he already waited at the table where they usually ate their meals. His investigating look swept over the plates, eyeing her scrambled eggs suspiciously, but brightening at the sight of the other one. Shepard felt a tingle of pride. This life was something she could get used to.

They barely exchanged a few words while they ate, just enjoying each other's presence. It was definitely something she could get used to. No pressure of saving the galaxy for her. The worst thing that could happen today was that the meeting with various politicians scheduled for today dragged on for too long, and Garrus returned home grumpy. Not that his bad mood would last long, with her around.

Her gaze fell on the environmental suit hanging by the door, and she felt herself frown. "I have to go get the groceries today," she sighed. That thing still unnerved her. It brought back disembodied voices and images of the burned forest from her dreams.

Garrus' brow plates rose, but when he spoke his voice was perfectly normal. "I could get them on the way home."

"No, no!" she hurried with the answer. She  _wanted_  to do something that would get her outside, if only she didn't need to wear that damn suit. "It's just… Look, can I at least try and go out with that sunblock spray I bought two weeks ago?"

"That again?" His brow plates rose even more and he stopped eating. "There's a whole bunch of extranet sites claiming it's unreliable. I don't want…" He swallowed hard. "I don't want you to get hurt again."

She looked down and stopped eating as well. "I can't stand wearing the suit anymore," she shrugged. "Just can't. I'll put on the sunblock and go out like a normal human being. There's also a whole bunch of sites claiming it's reliable." There was something desperate in her voice now.

When she looked at him again, he returned her gaze calmly and nodded. Apparently, he realized that arguing any further would be futile. And he was probably right. She could be iron-willed and determined, too.

They ate the rest of the meal in near-silence like before, but this time it was somehow less pleasant. Shepard tried to pay no attention to it, soothing her mind with the exciting thought of  _going out without the damn suit._

After the breakfast there was still time before he had to go to his office, but Garrus' omni-tool started to get bombarded by messages. He went to his study so he could read them in peace. Shepard went to the bathroom, grabbed the sunblock spray, disrobed, and applied it all over her body. She changed into much nicer clothes than she usually wore (finally, someone would be able to see it), combed her hair, even put lipstick on, all while humming happily. When she was done, she nearly floated through the door, excited to breathe in some fresh air without any filters.

Walking without the suit was as exciting and invigorating as she expected. It was so  _good_  to walk without help most of the time. There was no wind today, so she didn't even need a breather. She decided to do some  _proper_  sightseeing of Cipritine, and do the shopping on the way back. The feeling of the sun on her skin was pleasantly warm, something she hadn't felt for a long time.

* * *

Garrus rubbed his forehead and sighed, struggling with the momentary temptation to smash the datapad he was reading against the nearest wall of his office. The sheer boredom of this part of his job nearly made the upcoming meeting look pleasant. And he hated those things normally. If it wasn't for Shepard supporting him (she insisted that "the Hierarchy needs someone to keep the peace" every time he tried to suggest that he's not the best person to make decisions that affect the entire galaxy), he'd be really tempted to quit it. Finally, he settled down for a break.

He set the datapad on the desk and stood up. Then he leaned on the window sill and, staring absentmindedly outside, let his mind wander to his love. His frustration and boredom evaporated in a second. Shepard looked so peaceful and content lately. He had his secret suspicions that the life of a housewife won't suit her, but she had adapted to it well.  _Mostly_  well, he corrected himself.

He was quite certain she had flashbacks and heard voices sometimes, although she hadn't told him a word about it herself. Whatever happened on the Crucible was off-limits even to him, and no matter how hard he tried to persuade or coax it out of her, he couldn't get her to talk about it. It was apparent she kept blaming herself for what happened after she had activated it. There was also the thing with the suit.

That had surprised him, honestly. He hadn't expected that would be a problem at all. The fact that you needed protection against radiation on Palaven unless you were native to it was common knowledge across the galaxy. And yet, Shepard was avoiding getting out of their apartment because that would make her wear the suit. She couldn't hide it from him, no matter how hard she tried. Sometimes she looked downright  _afraid_  of the damn thing.

Then he remembered this morning and smiled. First, the breakfast. He had figured out what she's been doing with his food a long time ago, but hadn't said a word. It wasn't like he minded not looking like plates and bones anymore. Then, the sunblock. That got him a little worried, truth be told, but the look on her face and the happy humming he heard while she was inside the bathroom were more than enough to make up for his anxiety.

Garrus sighed again and sat down at the desk, reaching for the datapad. Those reports weren't going to read themselves. He was about to dig in, when a knock on the door interrupted him. Eirin, his secretary, peeked through the door with a worried expression on her face.

"Um, sir? I know you said no interruptions, but this is important."

"What is it, Eirin?" he replied, trying not to sound too irritated.

The secretary hesitated. Garrus felt an alarm going off in his head.

"I've just received a call from Cipritine Health Center…" Eirin began, and that alarm in Garrus' head started screaming louder than a dying banshee. That was Cipritine's largest hospital. "Your bondmate was taken there."

Garrus dropped the datapad and bolted for the door before she finished speaking. The rational part of his mind tried to make him pay attention to Eirin's words of protest behind him and to today's meeting, but he couldn't bring himself to care. The diplomats could go screw themselves. Shepard, his mate, his love was in hospital again. As he speeded away in the skycar, he made a panicked call to the hospital.  _Don't die now,_  he muttered to himself as he awaited the answer.  _Not now, when we can be together in peace._

* * *

The forest of ash and whispers. That's how she called it. It was a familiar place.

It seemed like no matter what path she decided to take, it would always take her here, so she could listen to the voices of various people that she might have known once and watch their images burn. To watch her own image burn alongside them. If only it would burn away completely already. Maybe then she'd finally pay the price and—

No. She shook her head. She was here to do something… To get something and bring it... where? Home? Where was her home? Wasn't it here? Didn't she belong here?

Through the fog of her mind, Shepard remembered pots and pans. Meals shared with a turian… Garrus? Garrus. Rolling around the bed with that guy Garrus and then making it nice and neat again in the morning. What was all that? She didn't belong there. This was the right place for her. The real place. All those other images that kept coming to her mind were wishful thinking. Dreams.

The whispers continued as she walked among the charred trees. There were too many of them to make out what each of them said, unless…

_"You must act."_

No. Not that one. Any voice but that one.

"I did!" she stopped frozen in spot and yelled towards the sky. "I acted!"

The tiny, hated voice didn't answer. In a way, she was glad.

She continued walking and stumbled over an object half-buried in the thick layer of ash. It was, she realized with disgust, a burned body of a young woman wearing an environmental suit –  _Tali_ , the foggy part of her mind reminded her.

No. Not Tali. Not her friend, her younger sister from the  _Normandy_.

_"All technology will be destroyed,"_  the little voice reminded her.

"Not all," she growled. "Some things are still working."

_It destroyed Tali's suit,_ the accusing voice inside her head spoke.  _It killed her. You killed so many with your "acting"._

Shepard turned and ran away from that place. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, Tali," she screamed as she ran.

* * *

Garrus sat next to Shepard's bed and stared at her face intently. Her eyes were fluttering occasionally and she would mumble something incoherently from time to time.

_She's not in a coma,_  he reassured himself yet again.  _The doctors say it's only fever caused by her little escapade. She'll be good as new in no time._

He took her warm – too warm – hand and squeezed it gently, careful not to mess up the IV stuck in her arm. Just to help her re-hydrate, the doctors said, nothing serious. He took a deep breath. It was nothing like before, he reminded himself. It was an adventure to approach her bed from all the medical devices around it while she recovered from whatever happened at the Crucible.

They also gave her painkillers to help her fight the sunburn, which meant she'll remain like this for a while. Garrus shrugged. He'll wait. His face will be the first thing she'll see when she wakes up. No matter how long it takes.

"Unh!" Shepard yelled and her eyes opened briefly, but they were unfocused and blank.  _Not yet_ , Garrus sighed again, disappointed.

"I'm sorry," Shepard said loud and clear, but didn't wake up.

_Don't be,_  he thought.  _You did what had to be done._

"I'm so sorry, Tali!" Shepard yelled, her fists clenching. "I'm sorry!"

Garrus flinched, feeling like someone was trying to choke him. Of course she'd take Tali's death especially bad. She was almost like a younger sister to Shepard. Suddenly, he realized something else and slapped himself on the forehead.

Tali died because her suit malfunctioned. Her environmental suit. He should have made the connection earlier. That's why she didn't want to wear the suit, and the sunblock was her way of avoiding dealing with it.

Leaping from his chair, Garrus grabbed her shoulders and pressed his forehead against her scarred, sunburned face. The most beautiful face in this galaxy, as long as he was concerned.

Shepard seemed to calm down at this touch. She wasn't yelling or thrashing around anymore. In fact, he felt her arms going around him.

"Garrus?" she called and he pulled away a little. Her eyes were wide open and bright. "Garrus!"

* * *

Running blindly through the charred forest, Shepard nearly tumbled to the floor when she bumped into a solid object. No, into  _someone_ , she realized as two strong arms prevented her from falling to the ground. Looking at the person, she realized it was that tur— _Garrus._ He was alive. His cheeks weren't gaunt. She knew that was important for some reason.

"You went shopping for groceries this morning," he said calmly. There was something about his voice – she remembered loving listening to it – that made her believe him. "Without the environmental suit. It made you feel sick. Now you're having a feverish dream, but it's time to wake up."

Yes, that's what she was supposed to do. Groceries. And wake up. She could do that. Probably.

Suddenly, she realized that she wasn't in the forest anymore. She was… she didn't know where she was at first, but someone familiar was holding her. And that scent… she'd recognize it anywhere, anytime.

"Garrus?" she called, barely speaking through the dry throat. The figure holding her pulled away a little so she could make out his face. "Garrus!" she cried out in relief.

Garrus quickly poured a glass of water for her and helped her drink it up. Then he tentatively brushed his plated mouth against her forehead and she frowned. It hurt. He pulled away immediately.

"Right. Sunburn. Sorry," he apologized.

Sunburn. Yeah, she went out without the environmental suit and took a walk. It was pleasant at first, but soon her skin started to feel prickly. She ignored it, and continued walking. Then… she remembered nothing. She must have…

"You fainted while walking down the street," he said quietly as if reading her thoughts. "The ambulance brought you to this hospital. No permanent damage, just patches of irritated skin and…" He paused. "… And a bunch of bad dreams, I guess."

"I hope I wasn't swearing too much." She attempted a lame joke.

He remained dead serious. "Just kept saying you were sorry." Another pause. "About Tali. Is that why…"

"I don't like wearing the suit? Yeah." There, she finally admitted it.

"Shepard…" He grabbed her hands again. "You don't—"

"You don't understand!" she yelled at him, cutting him off. It felt awful to yell at him, but he really  _didn't_  understand. "There were other choices!"

Garrus stared at her blankly.

"At the Crucible," she explained. "There were other choices. To either control the Reapers, or turn us all into an organic-synthetic hybrid. Possibly, it could have been less painful than this one. I don't know. What I  _do_ know is that I didn't even consider them because they meant I won't come back." She took a deep, deep breath and looked him in the eye. "And I was  _ordered_  to come back, remember?"

What would he think now that he knew the truth? That all this death could be avoided, or at least lessened, but she chose his touch, voice and presence over it?

"The Reapers had to be destroyed," he said simply. She felt relief wash over her. Of course. He'd never doubt her. "And I don't know what I'd have done if you  _didn't_  come back," he added, pulling her gently into an embrace.

"Thank you," she whispered in his ear. "I should have told you earlier, but…"

"I understand," he whispered back. "I knew you'd tell me once you're ready."

Well. She hadn't planned on telling him, afraid of what she'd do if  _he_  judged her decision. He didn't need to know that, however, so she kept her mouth shut.

"So, when can I get out of this prison?" she asked. No more than ten minutes passed since she woke up and already she wanted to be back home. "Please tell me it's today. Or tomorrow."

"What? That eager to go out in the sun again?" he teased.

"I'll wear the damn suit," she growled and meant it. She didn't want the sunblock anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

_Maybe tomorrow_ , Garrus wanted to reply, but his tongue refused to move. Trying to keep the conversation lighthearted was getting increasingly difficult with every passing moment.

Feeling the strength drain from his legs, Garrus sank back in the chair, still not letting go of Shepard's hand. His head begun to throb with pain. The memories flooded through the mental blocks he had so carefully installed during the last few years.

He had to install them. He had to be the strong one, because Shepard paid the price for them all and it nearly killed her. Still, she got the chance to come back and tell about it and for that he was immensely thankful to whatever higher power responsible for bringing them back together. The galaxy wasn't empty. He wasn't alone. There was still hope. Or so he thought.

_"I was ordered to come back, remember?"_ Shepard's voice interrupted his thoughts and Garrus winced. Wasn't that, in fact, unbelievably selfish on his part? He didn't think it was back then. That was just him vocalizing his blind hope because she always came back, and chilling fear of what would happen if she  _doesn't_  come back. He didn't… didn't mean "sacrifice so many lives so I could hold your hand ag—"

No. That kind of thinking won't get him anywhere. Garrus closed his eyes, trying to shake off the thought, but found no relief. Instead, he saw a young quarian female in her suit… but without the familiar glowing eyes shining through her mask. She was dead.

Tali. That's how she looked like before they buried her on that damn jungle world.

Most of the time he was able to keep her out of her mind, but with his mental blocks down her face mask had returned, along with the taste of guilt.

Despite his best efforts, Garrus saw the fresh, simple grave in front of his eyes like it was happening right now. He remembered returning to the ship afterwards and wanting to grab something to eat. He also remembered that tingle of unholy satisfaction when he realized that the dextro supplies on the ship are going to last twice as long now. Still, when he munched on the ration in the mess hall, it didn't taste right. It tasted like guilt. He didn't know that guilt had a taste until that moment, but that's how it felt. He ate only half of what he intended to and almost succeeded to convince himself he did so to save food. Not because that bitter taste poisoned every bite he took.

Days went on and on. Weeks, months? EDI was gone. Joker was devastated. Adams couldn't get the ship up and running ( _maybe, if Tal—no)._ The comms were down. They were in the dark, low on hope, morale and food. Especially dextro food. He ate as little as possible, desperately trying to make the supplies last longer. His stomach's demands were too compelling to ignore, however, even with that bitter taste still lingering in his mouth.

Then, The Day finally came. They were out of dextro food. Adams had repaired EDI by then, but she had been reduced to an advanced VI. Still, with her help, the  _Normandy_  had been restored to nearly full functionality. Not that it did much with the relay system and the comms still down. Garrus didn't know what happened to Shepard and it was eating away at him more than the gnawing feeling in his stomach that soon settled in.

He thought he could cope with it. When the united merc bands of Omega had him cornered, he endured for nearly a week without food or sleep, just hopped up on stims. This was so much worse. The stims were losing effectiveness with every passing day, and he soon found himself barely strong enough to walk. And the cold… He couldn't stand being cold even more than before.

One day he fainted on the way to the battery. He was still trying to do his part on the  _Normandy_ , even though everyone tried to convince him that he should rest more. When he regained consciousness in the medbay, he was too weak to get up. Chakwas hooked him up to some machines, feeding him nutrients and sedatives through the IV. Oh yes, sedatives.

Most of the time his mind was blissfully foggy. When it wasn't, he kept thinking about Shepard and what happened to her. There was no hope, he was now convinced. If the blast damaged the relays and most of the  _Normandy's_  systems, if it killed EDI and Tali, then what happened to Shepard who stood right in the middle of it? She was gone. There was no point in keeping up with this torture.

One day, when he was able to think more clearly, he decided to ask Chakwas to overdose him on sedatives. He was just thinking about the best way to word it, to make it sound as convincing as possible, when Liara entered the medbay. Gently touching his face, she told him happily they've got the comms back and that Shepard was alive. It didn't register properly at first, and he ended up just staring blankly at her.  _"They found her under a pile of rubble in London,"_  Liara chirped in his ear, " _in a coma, but alive. Garrus, she's alive!"_  When it finally sunk in, Garrus felt the previous darker thoughts fading away. He had a reason to endure now.

So he did. The relay was fixed. The  _Normandy_  made the jump successfully. He was brought to Earth, where they got him back on his feet again. There was also real food there. Garrus felt guilty again as he ate it, thinking about all the turians who were stuck on Earth after the Battle of the Crucible and wondering just how many of them didn't get their meal because of him. Again, he ate barely enough to sustain himself.

All of that was nearly forgotten when he saw her for the first time. The Cerberus implants were busted, the doctors told him, so there was no way to tell how functional she will be if— _when_  she wakes up. It showed on her face, too. It was cracked and scarred, reminding him of how she looked like when they were reunited on Omega. Only this time it looked much worse. At least there was no red glow. However, he didn't care how she looked. Most of the time he spent focusing on her chest, watching it rise and fall steadily. He refused to get out of her room and slept on a cot next to her bed, ignoring the calls from Palaven Command, his father and pretty much everyone else. Just to see her breathe.

And then, after what seemed like eternity, he was blessed by the spirits to see her hand move.

Garrus snapped out of it suddenly, feeling her real hands holding his. She had sat up while he was… not there and watched him with concern stamped across her face.

"Maybe tomorrow," Garrus forced himself to speak. "The doctors said you can go home tomorrow if today everything goes well."

"Garrus…" Shepard whispered and tugged on his hands gently, pulling him closer.

Before he knew what he's been doing, he fell into her arms and hid his face in her shoulder. It felt terribly selfish to seek shelter when she wasn't feeling well, but he couldn't help himself. In all the time ever since she woke up, he's been her shoulder, her rock to lean on. It couldn't be wrong to ask for a little comfort, could it?

As if in answer to his unspoken question, one of her hands went up and caressed the small spikes on the side of his face. It would always make him feel relaxed, and he gave in to the feeling. It just felt so  _good._

"I'm sorry," she whispered into his ear.

"Stop saying that," he murmured into her shoulder.

"How can I?" Her hand moved to the longer spikes in his fringe and gripped them a little too tight, but he didn't mind. "So many people are dead thanks to me. They put their faith in me, expecting me to save them and—"

Garrus lifted his head to look her deeply into the eyes and put a talon over her mouth. "You saved me," he said quickly. "Hoping to see you again was the only thing that kept me alive. Your cooking is the only reason I can eat food again without guilt. Thinking about you is the only way to keep me sane when I want to wring my secretary's neck for interrupting me. You're the only reason I'm standing here right now."

Shepard stared back wordlessly for several long moments, and he didn't like what he saw in her eyes. They got even darker as he spoke, and her lips trembled under his talon. She regained control in the next moment and removed it gently from her mouth.

"Neither of us should be standing here," she finally spoke.

"Maybe we shouldn't. But we are." His head sank back to her shoulder. "I'm grateful for that."

Shepard didn't say anything, just pulled him closer. He could feel the tension in her body. His arms wrapped tight around her, caressing her back. Even in his moment of weakness, he tried to comfort her, to be her support. That was what he decided to do when he saw her hand move back in the hospital on Earth, and he did it gladly.

Some of the tension finally melted away, and he heard her taking a deep breath. "Could… could you stay for the night?" Her voice was uncertain, even ashamed. "When you're around… the voices are quiet. Most of the time."

"Sure," he replied immediately. Something painful twisted in his chest as his earlier suspicions were confirmed. "I'll ask one of the nurses to bring me a cot in your room. Just like old times."

She chuckled lightly in reply. It was so nice to hear her chuckle.

* * *

When she woke up next morning, Shepard felt remarkably well. Whatever the doctors gave her worked wonders, and the sunburn on her skin was mostly healed. She even got a good night's sleep. Although she wanted to believe it was thanks to Garrus sleeping on the cot next to her, she had her suspicions they hopped her up on sedatives through the IV.

It was gone from her arm now, though. She was free to get out of this prison, as soon as the paperwork was done. She chuckled lightly to herself. Even when recovering from the greatest, most devastating war in the known history, the galaxy still insisted on its paperwork. Damn bureaucrats.

Speaking of bureaucrats, she wondered how Garrus was doing. She had sent him to work as soon as she was fully awake, asserting that she was perfectly fine, even threatening to have her boot up his skinny ass if he didn't comply. The expression on his face as he lingered in the door of her room on his way out was… nearly frightened if she wanted to be honest with herself. It wasn't only because he was worried to leave her alone, she knew. She was nearly convinced he hated his new job.

A throb of pain flashed through her temples.  _"Thinking about you is the only way to keep me sane when I want to wring my secretary's neck for interrupting me."_  He opened up to her yesterday, confirming her suspicions. It was thanks to her that he accepted his new position in the first place. If he felt  _that_  way about it, maybe it was a bad idea.

Shepard flopped back on the bed, covering her eyes. No. It was the reasonable thing to do. The Catalyst had told her that the peace won't hold. The galaxy needed someone reasonable in charge of its most powerful war fleet (or what was left of it). Someone who saw it first-hand what happens when everyone works together, and also what happens when they bicker. Someone who wouldn't want to go squash the krogan for wanting their voice heard, or wanting retaliation upon the quarians for creating the geth in the first place.

Shepard shuddered. Yes, those were some of the "suggestions" Garrus had to deal with in the first year of his service. Was that ghostly child right? Were they repeating the cycle again? Many people were downright paranoid of technology after the war, either because they were afraid it could blow up in their face again, or because they were afraid it would come to life and try to kill them. EDI, or what was left of her, was disassembled into parts. Even though she was reduced to a VI, it was too much for the anti-techs. Quarians were getting even more hate than before, if it was possible, but she was still surprised that someone wanted to retaliate on them. Haven't they suffered enough?

Her gut clenching, Shepard asked herself what Tali would say about her actions if she lived through the  _Normandy_ 's ordeal. Would she still consider her as her savior? What did it matter that she pulled off the impossible and reunited the quarians with their children, when she destroyed it all in one move?

"It's all your fault," someone said. Shepard froze. It was impossible. He wasn't supposed to be here. And his voice shouldn't be accusing. She loved listening to it usually.

With great trepidation, Shepard sat up, removed her hand from her eyes and turned her head in the direction of the sound. Garrus sat on the cot, glaring at her with indignation.

It was impossible, she kept telling herself. It just wasn't possible. Her mind was playing tricks with her.

"You're not supposed to be here," she barely croaked. It didn't sound convincing even to her own ears.

He laughed, and it wasn't the good-hearted, healing laugh she usually heard from him. It was coated in bitterness and malice.

"What if I've decided to quit my job and come back to tell you how I really feel?"

"No… No!" she croaked even weaker than before and closed her eyes. When she opened them, the hallucination was still there, with the same anger on his face. "You're not real. Real Garrus loves me."

"You don't really believe that," Garrus said, smiling triumphantly. "You don't even love me. You're just using me, like you do to everyone. Anything to get to your goal."

Garrus' words pierced her soul, like dagger stabs. Her eyes filled with tears and she couldn't say a word.

"Good." Garrus drove the imaginary dagger deeper. "You deserve to cry. You deserve to suffer. You're a mass murderer. You've been that even before the Crucible. Remember Bahak?"

"Stop it. Please," she pleaded. Tears were streaming down her face at this point.

"Why should I? I loved you, gave you everything, followed you to hell and back several times and got nothing in return. Now that I realized who you really are, I  _want_  to hurt you."

"Stop it!" she growled through gritted teeth. "Stop it!"

The beloved dual-toned voice continued to accuse her. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore. She closed her eyes and covered her ears, trying to block it out. Surprisingly, it worked and it frightened her. The voices she usually heard would continue whispering, no matter how hard she tried to ignore them. Was this real? Was this how he really felt?

No. No. It couldn't be. It just couldn't be. He was there, in that hospital in London, for God only knows how long before she woke up. He was still there when she blinked in confusion for the first time, and continued to be there as she made her first, weak steps. He was there to support her in any ways she could imagine.

They went to Palaven – and they made that decision together, she tried to convince herself – and he continued to be there for her, silently supporting her whenever she struggled with her inner demons. And her? Until yesterday, she didn't even have the decency to tell him that she's having flashbacks and hearing voices. Not to mention that she failed to notice that he had his own share of struggles, too. When he got lost in thought with  _that_  expression on his face she had never seen before, she was scared out of her mind at first, and then overwhelmed by guilt. He was suffering, too, and she barely even noticed.

Feeling her lips trembling, Shepard slowly lowered her hands and opened her eyes. Garrus—no, the hallucination of him was gone. It wasn't real. Still, it was bad. Even with all her flashback and voices, they never felt so integrated with reality. Was she losing it?

The small comfort was that she could still ask herself that question. Her mind wasn't gone. But what will happen in the future? One more burden for Garrus, who—no. He loved her. And she loved him. But that… that  _thing_ wasn't completely wrong. She has been using him all this time, no matter what he said about saving him.

Shepard managed to wipe the tears off her face and pull herself together enough to hide what just happened from the turian nurse who told her she's free to go. She was as healthy as she could be with her body still feeling effects of losing the Cerberus implants. Healthy enough to walk on her own. One thing off Garrus' back.

Stepping into the environmental suit, Shepard fitted the helmet over her face and sighed. She still didn't like this, but she wouldn't tempt fate again. As the skycar taxi took her home, she felt more and more uneasy. What if this continues and she was certain it will? Will she end up in a padded cell somewhere? That's why she hadn't told the nurse anything. What will be Garrus' reaction? Should she tell him anything at all?

"Whatever happens to you, you certainly deserved it," the dual-toned voice spoke again. Shepard jumped in the seat and looked around. There was nothing out of the ordinary around her. Still, hearing  _his_  voice like this was so much worse than anything she's ever experienced before. Every word was a blow, causing nearly physical pain. Suddenly, she had the urge to land the skycar, take off her suit and walk home without sunblock, without anything. Her skin should burn. Like that forest. Like the dead people in it. Like her soul.

The voice was mercifully quiet for the rest of the journey home. Garrus was still in his office when she entered their apartment. Taking only the helmet off her suit, Shepard sat on the couch and shivered. This couldn't go on. She'll have to tell him what happened today. No matter the consequences.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Garrus flicked the omni-tool on with a practiced motion of his hand. He stared at the orange glow around his hand for several seconds and then switched it off. There was no need to call home. Everything was alright. Besides, unless his luck with traffic was extremely bad this evening, he'd be able to get there in less than half an hour. He was just finished with the meetings and reports for today.

As he walked the short distance to the skycar landing pad, he felt the wind rising and his stomach sank. After a moment of pondering, he left the breather mask in his pocket. There's no way he'd put that thing on for such a short distance. It was just so wrong to wear breathing aid on your own planet.

_Will the ruins ever be cleared? Will the jungle grow back to how it was before the war?_

Someone clapped him on the shoulder from behind as he walked. Turning around, he realized it was Veros, his old colleague from C-Sec, now working as one of his bodyguards.

"Hey, Vakarian, wanna come down to the shooting range?" Veros spoke through the breathing mask.

Garrus tried his best to keep calm. All primarchs of Palaven had bodyguards ever since the dawn of the Hierarchy. And he was glad he had a familiar face watching his back, rather than a total stranger. Veros treated him like a buddy, not a VIP, but Garrus still had a hard time getting used to the fact that he needed a bodyguard in the first place.

"Sorry, Veros." Garrus shook his head, fighting a cough trying to escape from his irritated throat. "I have dinner waiting for me back home."

Normally, he'd accept the invitation. He did it often, with Veros and several other people he knew, and enjoyed it a lot. Shooting a gun calmed him down more than it should. However, the thought of Shepard waiting for him made his stomach sink again. He wasn't sure why. All was well with her in the morning, right?

Veros tried to grin through his mask. "You've become a real family man." The subharmonics of his voice revealed only harmless tease in his words, so Garrus subdued the wave of anger he experienced at first.

"Comes with being bonded," Garrus shrugged. Something inside him prayed, hoped that the conversation doesn't end up  _there_.

Veros' gaze lingered on the ring on Garrus' second finger. Straightening, Garrus took it off and shoved it under the other turian's nose. "Human tradition. The circular shape symbolizes the bond between mates, and the durability of gold represents their hope for the longevity of their relationship." He put the ring back on, still trying to speak calm, although he wasn't sure for how long he could keep it up.

"Typical," Veros scoffed. "Humans think they can impose their traditions on us just because they helped us defeat the Reapers."

Garrus felt something snap inside of him, and with it he broke into a real coughing fit. Once he recovered, he started walked past his bodyguard. "She's wearing my markings, Veros," he said in the coldest and most dispassionate voice he could muster. "Only you can't see them, because she's stuck in the enviro-suit whenever she wants to peek outside."

"Vakarian… Vakarian, wait! I'm sorry! I… I didn't mean it like that!"

Garrus just shook his head and entered the skycar, not bothering to turn around. This kind of crap was the most difficult to deal with, he realized yet again. No matter how many times he's been through a conversation that ended  _there_ , he didn't find it any easier to bear. That cold anger was getting worse every time he experienced it.

Sighing, he tapped the skycar's screen to set the destination for home and leaned back in the seat. Not every turian was like this. Sometimes he'd get stopped by someone in the street approving of his bonding with a human, or he'd get a mail congratulating him and wishing all the best. He had to focus on the positive, or he would end up going mad.

Speaking of going mad, he sometimes admired Shepard on keeping it together. The occasional flashbacks and voices she heard were almost to be expected, given what she's been through. She fought them as proudly and relentlessly as she did the Reapers and Garrus felt pride, too. Pride that his bondmate coped with the past and her new duties as well as she did. He felt himself smiling at the thought of the nice, hot dinner that's awaiting him at home.

Who cares what the rest of the galaxy thinks? He and Shepard had each other, their own little shelter against the storm. No matter what horror happened in the past and what will happen in the future, they still had that.

The skycar landed, and Garrus hurried inside their home, eager to hug his wife and tell her how much he loved her. Something alarmed him as soon as he was through the door, though. There was no nice smell of the dinner ready or in making. It didn't smell like the weirdness that was levo food, either. Not even like burned food which would happen sometimes if she got "lost in thought."

There was no smell at all. And the lights were off, although the sun had set by then.

The first thing he noticed when he turned the lights on was Shepard's environmental helmet lying on the floor near the door. Then he heard a gasp coming from the living room, and saw her curled up on the couch with her eyes closed, almost in fetal position, with the rest of the suit still on.

Garrus swallowed hard and suddenly felt chilly. He didn't like feeling cold. He didn't like this. Kneeling down next to the couch, he touched her lightly. She gasped again and jumped up, moving away from his touch. It was almost like she… was afraid of him.

"Shep… it's me… just me."

She looked around the room in fear, before focusing her gaze on him again. Her mouth opened, as if she wanted to say something, but no sound came through.

What was going on? She had never behaved like that before. Garrus, feeling the chill increasing, reached for her hands and held them gently.

"What happened, love? Tell me."

There was a flicker in her eyes, as if she made a sudden decision.

"I saw him again.  _He_  was here."

"Who?"

" _You._ "

She didn't make a lick of sense, and the chill Garrus felt turned into real fear.

Suddenly, she threw herself in his arms. Garrus held her tight and ran his talons slowly through her hair. "I'm… I'm going to get locked away, aren't I?" she asked in a strained voice.

It finally dawned on Garrus what was going on here. "You saw something… me… while I wasn't here?" he asked quietly. At the same time, he felt something heavy lying on his chest. What a goddamn fool he was.

She nodded. "I saw you… Several times today. Accusing me of killing many people. Saying you don't love me. I knew it couldn't be you, but it felt so real." A shiver racked her body. "When I heard you say 'love', I knew it was you, the real you. Still, it felt so real." Her face sank into his shoulder and she shivered again.

He was a real, true fool. He knew she's been blaming herself for what happened during and after the war, but it seemed like she was dealing with it well. Instead, the guilt spawned a hallucination, an abomination to torture her. Maybe, if he's been more supportive, instead of taking it for granted…

Garrus nuzzled her neck tenderly. "No one is going to lock you away. I'm here now and I love you. That's reality. That's the truth."

She lifted her head and pulled away from him. There were tears in her eyes. Garrus' heart ached, and at the same time it felt wrong. Shepard never cried. Ever.

"Is it?" she asked, her voice shaking. "You—he sat right there," she pointed at his favorite armchair, "like you do, and kept saying that I'm abusing your love for me. Isn't it true? Isn't it what I do?"

Garrus grabbed her by the shoulders and looked deeply into her eyes. "Listen to me," he began, his subharmonics deeper than usual, "this is how I feel." He didn't care if he was overly dramatic at this point. "I'm here now because I love you and want to be your bondmate. I mean it. You're not forcing me to do anything. Believe me, please."

She wiped the tears off her face and nodded. He wasn't sure if she was entirely convinced, but it was a start.

"So if that thing comes back, know that it's lying. The real Garrus is the one who loves you and isn't afraid to say it."

Her arms went around him, and she landed a small kiss on his mandible. Good. The L-word was still working.

"Also, I want you to tell me when it happens. I want to know. I want to be your support. I'm your bondmate and it's what I'm supposed to do."

Her eyebrows curved and her forehead wrinkled in a frown. "But-but you're struggling with… with memories, too. I saw it. It's not fair."

He brushed his forehead against hers. "There's no point in hiding from what we're going through. We'll support each other. No matter what happens."

It wasn't easy for him to admit that he's hurt and broken and needing her help. He could only imagine how it felt for her. She was the one who solved everything and helped everyone. But right now, the galaxy didn't need her. She could let herself relax and forget. If only her mind would let her do it.

Knowing that feeling well, he decided yet again to do anything in his power to help her with it. It was a decision he made a long time ago, and he didn't intend to back down from it.

"Garrus…" Shepard whispered in his ear. He adored when she did that. "I really don't know what I'd do without you." She tried to snuggle closer to him, but the enviro-suit got in the way. "I hate this thing," she half growled, half chuckled. "Has to ruin everything I do."

Garrus allowed himself to chuckle, too. Whenever she laughed, smiled or chuckled, even half-heartedly, he felt like everything was alright. He wondered sometimes if she knew about it, just like he knew what his declarations of love did to her.

Suddenly, he had an idea. This lack of closeness between them was really irritating and had to be rectified. "Let me help you with that," he said seriously. His hands deftly worked the releases on the suit, and in the next moment she shrugged it off, letting it fall to the floor.

"That was quick," she drawled lazily. "I remember when it took you a lot longer to take off anything that's human-made."

"I had a lot of practice," he replied, drawing her closer again. His talons ghosted along her facial markings. She loved to do this to him before the Crucible, and he was glad he could return the favor now. Her face leaned into his touch, and her body sidled up next to his. The warmth he felt radiating through her clothes made his heart beat really fast. "I don't mind practicing a bit more," he added, going along with the new sensation he felt.

She responded with lots of small kisses all over his mandibles. By her own words, she had a fetish for them, maybe even more than for his fringe. Garrus flexed them as wide as he could, letting her lips explore the inner, more sensitive side, too.

Her hallucinations didn't matter at this point anymore. The rest of the galaxy and its judgmental people didn't exist for them. They had each other.

* * *

Shepard stretched, exhausted and sated, and snuggled up next to her favorite turian lying sprawled in their bed. This evening they couldn't get enough of each other. The couch was just the beginning. She tried to make them some dinner, but they ended up having sex on the kitchen table, too. And now again, when they finally moved to the bedroom. It wasn't like their sex life suffered in any way usually, but she had never experienced hunger for him like tonight.

Well, maybe she had, if she allowed her mind to go back enough. This evening reminded her of the night before London. They were both desperate; nearly out of their minds with fear they won't have a chance to spend a night together ever again. They hadn't slept at all that night, pushing each other to the limits of their endurance. She felt something similar tonight, although this time her fear was to lose her mind. Was he feeling the same way? If he was, was he worried about losing his own mind, or was it his concern for her?

Shepard sighed quietly. Even with all the exhaustion in the evening and the long day before that she couldn't find sleep. The fear of her dreams, of the forest of ash and regrets, of all the people burning in it and the ghostly child and its accusations and choices wrapped around her again with its long tendrils. Garrus wasn't sleeping either. She could tell by his breathing.

"I'm afraid," she admitted, whispering in his ear. "I'm afraid to go to sleep. The dreams will return."

Garrus was silent for several moments and she felt her mind panicking. He said she should tell him when she feels bad, right? Right? He wouldn't think less of her—

"I dream of Sidonis sometimes," he finally spoke, and she understood the delay now. This was his weak point from the past. "Of what would've happened if I was faster and got to my squad earlier. Or what would've happened if I took the shot in that moment when you stepped aside and he ran away. What ifs… Our minds love to torture us with them."

He turned to face her fully now, and took her face between his palms. "But when I'm awake, I know I did all I could for my squad. It wasn't enough to keep them alive, but I did my best. As for Sidonis… His own conscience was punishing him enough. You showed me that, and prevented me from becoming a cold-blooded murderer. The same with you. You did your best. It wasn't enough for Tali or EDI, or for many other people, but you did what you had to do. You destroyed the Reapers. You ended the war. No one is asking you for more."

As always, his words had a magical effect on her. When she listened to the music of his voice and the echo of his subharmonics, she could  _almost_  believe it was true. Maybe this wasn't her fault. Maybe she could look at her image in the mirror without wincing. Maybe…

The exhaustion finally took over. She drifted off to sleep in his arms, lulled by the sound of his voice.

* * *

Her eyes began to flutter and then closed shut. Her breathing slowed down and her body relaxed. Garrus gently laid her head on the pillow. She was asleep. Finally.

If only he could fall asleep. This… wasn't good. Although the hallucination hadn't returned ever since he got home, he was certain it would. Even if by some miracle it didn't, Shepard was… not well. No matter how passionately they'd make love, how hard he attempted to soothe her mind, her doubts and fears would remain. There was no point in denying it anymore; his beloved bondmate needed help.

Garrus sighed and sat up. Shepard looked so peaceful as she lay next to him, but for how long? How long until she sits up, too, but screaming and clawing at him until she becomes aware of where she is? It happened too often for his liking, and with today's hallucination he had a feeling it would only get worse.

He needed to do something, but what? He couldn't stand the thought of someone taking Shepard away and locking her up any better than her, but they couldn't win this on their own. They would also have to be discreet about it. The media and their prying ways didn't change after the war. His work as primarch was closely monitored by various agencies across the galaxy, but so far he had managed to keep his private life out of it. They knew he and Shepard bonded, but nothing more. He could just imagine them latching onto the story of a mentally unstable war hero. That was the last thing Shepard needed.

There was only one doctor in this galaxy he trusted; the miracle maker of the  _Normandy_ , the one and only who saved his mandible and kept him alive through starvation. Although this wasn't her field of work, exactly, he was certain she could point them in the right direction. And, by the spirits, keep quiet about it.

Making the decision, he sneaked out of their bed, picked up his omni-tool and entered the bathroom. Better to make the call right now, than in front of all the prying eyes in his office, or when Shepard's awake. There was no way to predict how she'd react to his idea. If she woke up and went looking for him, he could tell her he just went to pee.

Dr. Chakwas responded to the calling signal he still had almost immediately to his great relief. The familiar, gray-haired head that appeared on the screen drove a lot of his anxiety away.

_"Garrus? You finally remembered good old Karin Chakwas! How are things for you and Shepard?"_

"Not good, I'm afraid," he cut to the chase right away, swallowing hard. "Shepard… needs help."

 


	4. Chapter 4

The forest of ash and whispers was around Shepard again. The ghostly child she resented chased her among the charred stumps yet again, in a mocking reverse of her dreams before the Crucible. This time, it was her who was on the run, rising clouds of ash in the air as she tried to escape the apparition.

"Running away again?" The voice she dreaded the most rose above the chant of whispers. "That's what you do."

Shepard stopped dead in her tracks, afraid to look at the spiky form approaching her.  _Not him. Please. Not him,_  something inside her pleaded with whatever higher power willing to listen.

"The paths are open, but the choice is yours." The Catalyst caught up with her. She could see the swirly glow with the corner of her eye.

"Please. Stop. Both of you. Please," she whined. Ever since she started seeing the Evil Garrus, these dreams have gotten more intense. Even though she knew they were just dreams somewhere in the corner of her mind, she couldn't break them. She was left at the mercy of the ghosts and monsters in her head, helpless and broken, her will drained.

"You did good, child. You did good. I'm proud of you."

Shepard blinked in surprise. She hadn't heard  _this_  voice… ever since those words were spoken in the waking world. It was so good to hear it.

"Anderson?" she called out half-heartedly, not really hoping for an answer. The script dictated by her memories demanded silence at this point.

"I'm here, child."

Shepard's head snapped back in surprise. Something worked in her favor while she was in the forest? That wasn't supposed to happen.

The familiar form of her father-figure appeared next to her, and the entire scene suddenly seemed less… dreadful. The voices were quieter. The accusing forms and burning shadows of the people she knew faded a little.

"Let me take you out of here," Anderson said. Shepard let him take her hand, like she was a little girl again, and he dragged her away from the two apparitions she hated. The forest faded around her as they walked, leaving them in complete darkness.

Anderson stopped and turned to face her. "You haven't failed me," he said.

"You…" She swallowed hard. "You died before that damn elevator took me to the Crucible. You haven't seen what I did there."

"I was talking about the Crucible. Nobody's blaming you about that but yourself."

She wanted to tell him how that isn't true, how she could see anger and hatred in the eyes of those who had someone die in the aftermath of the blast, but didn't get that chance. With a jolt, she found herself back in the real world again.

She sat up and gasped, waiting for two plated arms to grab and embrace her. As if on cue, Garrus sat up and did so in the next moment.

"You alright?" he asked, his subvocals heavy with concern.

"Yeah," she lied. She wasn't alright. "Just the usual nightmare. The forest and all."

She didn't want to tell him that the evil version of him started appearing there, too, and that it was Anderson who "rescued" her this time, not him. She wondered if that had something to do with his increased concern in the last few days. Garrus would call home several times from work, although he never did that before. When he'd get home, he would follow her every move, as if he expected her to throw a fit or set the apartment on fire or something. If he wasn't doing that, he tried to make her go outside, as if he had forgotten about the damn suit and how she hated it.

With a small sigh she leaned into him and let him pull them both down, still in a hug. It wasn't fair to think like that. After all, she started seeing things in the waking world. His concern was completely reasonable. Still, it was so damn  _annoying_  to be treated like a time bomb. Maybe she should've kept quiet about it, after all.

No. Today was Garrus' day off. He was finally free of the stress of his job for a day, and she won't add to it. She should probably try and do something for him, just for him. But to do that, she shouldn't be cranky, and to not be cranky, she should…

"Get some more sleep." Garrus echoed her thoughts as they lay together. Somehow, that was annoying, too. Did he had to watch over her every thought and emotion? She liked him better when he wasn't tracking her every move.

Feeling shocked and appalled at her own thoughts, Shepard shuddered slightly, hoping that Garrus didn't notice. What was happening to her? She was usually grateful for his concern, but right now it felt like an invasion on her privacy. Did he deserve this after all he's been through?  _No. No, he didn't_ , the rational part of her mind said. You  _deserve better,_  the  _other_  part kept whining.

Shepard squeezed her eyes shut. This wasn't fair. It just wasn't fair. There was no peace left for her anywhere in this galaxy. Even her last safe haven, the small circle of Garrus' arms and the pillow of his chest plates was compromised.

_"You did good, child. You did good,"_ she repeated in her mind. Anderson had replaced her father after she was orphaned on Mindoir, and if  _he_  said that he didn't blame her about the Crucible, then maybe,  _maybe_ she could forgive herself.

Unless, of course, it was just her wishful thinking. Still, it helped her find sleep again.

* * *

Garrus watched Shepard fall asleep. It reminded him of the night three days ago, only this time they weren't exhausted from the amazing sex. Ever since she had told him about the hallucination of him, Shepard's been trying to move on like nothing happened, but at the same time grew distant from him at an alarming rate.

Shepard rolled away from him in her sleep, as if trying to confirm his thoughts. He didn't follow, letting her have some room. He might have become overprotective ever since the talk with Chakwas, but it he couldn't help himself. There was a difficult road ahead of them.

All was prepared. Chakwas had promised to put them in touch with the best psychologist she knew, who was even willing to come to Palaven. Since Garrus' previous experience with human psychologists was limited to Kelly Chambers, he had some initial misgivings, but one vid call was enough to calm him down. The nice doctor was completely professional and lacked any of the annoying bubbly energy he came to associate with Chambers. He even managed to get Liara to monitor all newsfeeds and plug any possible leaks before they even appear. There was only one  _tiny_  thing left – to inform Shepard.

Garrus sighed inwardly and even let out a small audible groan. Before the hallucination incident, he thought he could talk about anything with Shepard. The last few days had proven him otherwise. He was looking for the right opportunity, but it just refused to present itself. Shepard was doing her best to act like nothing has happened, but the more she tried the more he was convinced she's been just trying to run away. And, much to his dismay, the running away wasn't just limited to recent events.

His mandibles stiffened at the thought of the past year. Shepard's refusal to come out of the house wasn't just caused by the enviro-suit. All this… domestic business she buried herself in was just an attempt to escape her past. Her collection of model ships was still packed tight in the crate he put them in when he left the  _Normandy_  for good. Boo, the space hamster, ended up in an animal shelter before they left Earth. The fish had died in his "care" while the ship was stranded, and Shepard didn't seem to regret it one bit. He had suggested getting a fish tank in their apartment, but she outright refused it. Unlike him, the mere sight of a gun unnerved, even frightened her, so he had to hide his little trips to the shooting range after work.

The signs were all there, and he was finally able to see them clearly. What he needed to do was to stop watching her every move, waiting for the right time and right way to word it and just… say it. If he keeps up with this, they're only going to get more distant and… she needed him. Whether she liked it or not. With another heavy sigh, he decided it was going to be today, no matter how Shepard reacts. He'd been delaying long enough.

Garrus glanced at the bedside clock. It was still too early to get up, but he was too restless to stay in bed any longer. Shepard was still asleep, peacefully. Good. She needed it. He'll make himself useful and make breakfast for a change. Right. Nothing could go wrong. There were many extranet sites with detailed instructions on how to make levo food. It couldn't be that difficult. With that in mind, he got out of bed as quietly as possible.

Lingering in the door of their bedroom, Garrus turned around and admired Shepard's curved form and messy strands of her floppy fringe… hair. She was still the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, his love, his bondmate. What he was going to do was for her own good.

_"Morning, sweetie!"_  Garrus suddenly heard himself say as he walked in the kitchen.  _"Look, I made breakfast! Oh, and I scheduled an appointment with a psychologist later today. What a fun way to spend my free day, isn't it?"_

This was going to be a rough day.

* * *

Shepard awoke to the sound of Garrus' voice.

"So much about doing something for me today."

She rolled over and saw him lying next to her with a disappointed look on his face.

"Finally awake. Are you going to spend the entire day here? Don't you have breakfast to make?"

The sun shone brightly through the window.

"Come on, hurry up! It's my day off, I want to enjoy it!"

Shepard blinked sleepily several times, trying to get her bearings. Garrus was overly concerned lately, yes, but never this annoyed with her. So this had to be…

"Go away," she growled, grabbing the pillow from under her head and throwing it at the figure next to her. It passed right through it.

So she was right.

The hallucination was unfazed. "Hitting me? Your love? I didn't expect that from you."

Why wouldn't it disappear when she became aware it wasn't real, like a good hallucination should? Why did it have to torture her for on and on and on?

"Please?" she tried. "Go away."

"Now, now. Be good and make me my breakfast," the hallucination mocked. The mischievous glare in its eyes made her want to scream. It looked exactly like Garrus when he'd mock her about one thing or another. Were those jokes as harmless as she thought them to be… or was there more to them? Was she really a bad wife?

No. Those were nighttime thoughts, when she's trapped in that forest and unable to tell what's real and what's not. When she was awake… she knew that Garrus loved her and cared about her. The jokes were just his way of deflecting difficult questions with humor.

"Garrus loves me. You're not him," she stated, staring at the hallucination's blue orbs. "Now go away."

"If I'm not him, then where is he? Shouldn't he be here if he loves you like you say?"

Feeling her stomach sinking, Shepard realized that she doesn't know the answer to that question. Where was he? She would usually get up first and wake him, then make breakfast for them both. Was this really… him?

It couldn't be. The pillow passed through this… abomination. It wasn't him. But where was he? Did he had enough of her coldness and distance in the past few days and left her?

Panicking, Shepard jumped to her feet and ran out of their bedroom, still in her underwear.

"Run, Shep, run. That's what you do," she heard Garrus' voice behind her. Like in her dreams. No place was safe. Tears filled her eyes and she couldn't see where she was going. Her side slammed in a piece of furniture, making her lose her balance. In the next moment she ended up on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably.

The door to the kitchen opened and Garrus emerged, drawn to the commotion. She could also smell coffee, eggs, toast and the unmistakable smell of whatever passed for dextro bacon. Garrus' favorite.

So he didn't leave her. How  _stupid_  of her to think that. He was making her breakfast while she was sleeping in. He loved her. He cared.

Garrus walked over to her and gently helped her up. "Again?" was all that he said.

She nodded, still unable to stop the tears. It was so damn embarrassing to cry, but she couldn't help herself. She buried her face in his shoulder, shying away from his eyes.

"Shep… sweetie… love of my life," he began. There was something about his tone that made her heart sink despite the L-word. What was he about to say?

He hesitated, making her even more worried. She was afraid to lift her head and look at him, so she just waited.

"You can't go on like this," he continued. "You need help. Professional help."

The last two words were spoken through heavy subharmonics, making them difficult to understand for human ears. For a moment, she even thought she had heard him wrong.

"I even… made arrangements," he finished, still through that heavy coat of subharmonics.

She lifted her head at that and looked at him. There was nothing but deep concern and care stamped across his face, but she still backed away from him as the meaning of his words sunk in.

"No… No! You're working behind my back, trying to get rid of me!" she growled. It felt so terrible to growl at him when he had that expression on his face, but she really, really didn't want to get locked away.

"Shep, no. The doctor will come here. Private sessions. No one will know. Trust me."

The words refused to register properly. No matter how he put it, the meaning was that she was a loony in need of a shrink. Maybe even meds? Has anything good ever came out of those?

"No!" she screamed. "I don't need it! I can handle it on my own!"

"You can't," he said sadly and tried to reach for her. She dodged his grasp and ran back to their bedroom, locking the door behind her. Luckily, the Evil Garrus was gone and she was alone with her thoughts and tears.

The real Garrus (presumably) banged on the door from the outside but she just collapsed on the bed and continued to sob in the pillows. The Evil Garrus was a figment of her imagination, but he got at least one thing right.

She was running away from her problems.

* * *

Garrus returned to the kitchen, admitting defeat. He could have forced his way in the bedroom, but something told him that wouldn't be the smartest thing to do. Shepard was… in an obviously volatile state. He wasn't feeling much better, either.

The uneaten breakfast sat on the table, and he had to fight the urge to splatter it all over the walls. He couldn't allow himself to do that. If he doesn't keep control, they're both doomed.

_What now?_

This wasn't something he had experience with. He couldn't force her to start therapy if she really didn't want it. Or could he? Should he?

He was about to turn his omni-tool on and call Dr. Chakwas to inform her about this setback and ask  _what the hell was he supposed to do now_ , when he heard the door to their bedroom open. He froze, listening to the shuffling steps approaching.

Shepard appeared in the kitchen's doorframe, her eyes red and swollen, but somehow more composed at the same time. The way how she held her chin was almost… proud.

Her gaze fixed him for a long time before she finally spoke: "I don't want to run away anymore."

Garrus knew what it meant. The warm feeling of relief washed over him. She was going to get better, he was now sure.

 


	5. Chapter 5

The command panel lit up under Garrus' talons. He hesitated for a moment, and then switched the control to manual, instead of typing in the destination in the auto-pilot software. Maybe being focused on the traffic would help him in keeping his mind off of what awaited him today.

With its engine whining, the skycar took off and joined the similarly endless stream of its peers. Garrus focused on the skylane, taking deep breaths. He wished for solid controls of the old cars he saw in the vids. It would be something to hold on to.

The grey-haired human in the co-pilot's seat touched his arm. As much as Garrus usually liked Dr. Chakwas and appreciated her support, he had to struggle with the urge to shake her off. He was just too tense.

"It'll go fine," she assured. "Trust me."

Oh, he trusted her. There was no chance he'd let her visit Shepard in the… in the… mental hospital otherwise. Even after eight months he still had trouble saying it in his mind. And this wasn't an ordinary visit, either.

"Yeah," he replied, not taking his eyes off the traffic. He was aware that he didn't sound convincing at all.

Will this finally be the day?

The bed was so cold and empty without her. The frozen meals he lived on now tasted worse than the guilt-coated rations on the  _Normandy_ , although he couldn't believe it possible until now. The loneliness opened a big gaping hole in his chest, and not even his newfound diligence for the primarch duties could keep it filled. No amount of calls and visits when he was allowed to make them were enough. He missed her. He missed the hum of her non-flanged voice. He missed the strands of her hair getting stuck in his mandibles at night. He missed the scars and markings on her face. He missed… He  _nearly_  missed a skycar that popped up in front of him out of nowhere.

Garrus shook his head and focused on the traffic again. It would be very bad for Shep to pass her psych eval and find out that her mate died in a skycar accident, wouldn't it? Just a little more and he could breathe in her scent, feel the warmth of her soft skin and her lips on…

Damn it. This was getting ridiculous.

Dr. Chakwas gripped his arm tighter. When she gave him a call two days ago and suggested to accompany him on the way to the hospital, he had assumed it was to make it easier for Shepard. Now, he wasn't so sure, and was actually glad to have her here. He wasn't alone in this fight. And it was his fight, too, although Shepard was taking the brunt of it.

Garrus took a deep breath and pushed everything aside, like he was in the middle of a battle, facing endless Reaper forces dropping from the sky. For the rest of the ride he was focused and calm. With a corner of his eye he caught a smile on the good doctor's face.

The sight of the hospital and its white, sterile walls shook his determination once again. Hospitals were pretty low on his personal list of places where he liked to be. Especially mental hospitals holding his bondmate captive—uh, taking care of her.

When they arrived to the waiting room (where at least some effort was put in bringing more color, Garrus noted), he couldn't sit still. The overly polite nurse (or was it just his paranoia?) told them they would have to wait for ten minutes, and it took exactly twenty-three seconds over that already. How much longer would he have to wait? Were they hiding something? If only the time would move  _faster_.

As he paced the waiting room for the hundredth time, Chakwas grabbed his wrist when he walked past. He stopped and sighed, and then sat down next to her.  _Shepard will win this last battle_ , he told himself,  _like she always did._

He didn't know what happened in that room eight months ago, when all hope seemed lost, but she emerged victorious. Again, like she always did. Even when her enemy was her own failing sanity. When private sessions with the psychotherapist Chakwas recommended proved to be not enough, Shepard suggested  _this_  solution herself, despite her previous fear of getting locked away. She  _wanted_ to get better. And when Shepard wanted something, she would go to great lengths to achieve it, doing whatever it takes. Garrus knew this very well by now, as did the rest of the galaxy.

Some will always judge what she did, not understanding the pressure of making decisions for everyone. Some of them had lost their loved ones in the aftermath of the Crucible and the wounds were still fresh. Garrus remembered the warm flood of relief that washed over him when he heard his Dad and sister's voice over the comm for the first time after the war, and realized he couldn't even imagine how he would feel if that call never came. They – he and Shepard and the entire galaxy – have won the war and lived to tell the tale to the future generations. By turian standards, that was more than worth it.

Of course, for Shepard who was not raised as a turian, it was much more difficult to accept. He should have realized it earlier, not take for granted that she would see it their way like he did. He knew her idealistic views, and – spirits help him – argued about them enough times during the war.

The door opened, snapping Garrus out of his thoughts that were going down the dangerous paths of blame. Feeling his heartbeat rising, he jumped to his feet. The suspense was killing him.

* * *

Shepard sat atop of a piece of rubble fallen from the collapsed tower next to her. There were many more collapsed structures and wrecked vehicles around her, adding to the desolate landscape. Above it all, high in the sky, was the weirdest looking sun she had ever seen. But something was wrong. There was snow falling from the mostly clear sky… and it was glowing. As she extended her palm to catch the snowflakes, they disappeared in a puff of smoke as they touched her skin.

No. This wasn't wrong. It was right. Very right.

The sound of several small children laughing drew her attention. Looking down, she noticed them playing in the shade of a large green tree – there were trees around, she noticed, they were popping out of the ground where the glowing snowflakes touched it – along with a salarian in a lab coat.

Mordin.

Shepard watched the scene with warmth in her heart. The entire jungle has popped out of the ground by now, along with ancient towers of stone that were magically fixing themselves under the glowing snow. There was so much hope in this scene, she could almost touch it. She looked at the sky… but instead saw the white bright light of the hospital room.

_Damn_ , she sighed. This was such a good dream and a fond memory.

The orange glow of her omni-tool drew her attention. Wrex and Bakara sent her recent pictures of Tuchanka and she fell asleep while viewing them. She looked through them one more time, feeling her eyes watering again. Green trees. Construction cranes. Small reptilian children. Bustling cities. Hope.

Mordin's sacrifice wasn't in vain. Their cycle wasn't lost.

Switching the omni-tool off, Shepard got up and washed her face. So, today was the Big Day, but she wasn't nervous at all. Next time she falls asleep it will be in her bed with Garrus at her side. In fact, she has never felt as calm as she did now. It was time just for her – and Garrus – to sit back and enjoy their life. Nothing will stop them.

It was all a matter of perspective, she realized (and the meds she had to take until the hallucinations disappeared, she thought wryly, but she was off them now). Great victories have always come with a great cost. It was an ancient truth. Maybe all the hero worshipping she had received during the Reaper War did finally get to her head and made her think she was supposed and expected to save everyone, but now she could see things more clearly. She was free.

Every war left orphans and widows in its wake, and they were always bitter and full of questions with no hope for answers when it was over. This one was no exception. No matter what she did, there would always be those who wanted her to do more. This time, though, she won't let their misguided grief and anger to eat away at her. She did what she could, and she paid the price for it. She even did much more. Just like Garrus had told her countless times. It only took eight months of therapy to believe him.

Shepard chuckled lightly and sat back on the bed. If she could trivialize her  _imprisonment_  here, then she knew she was ready to get out. She  _felt_  ready. Just to get that piece of damn paperwork and she could go home. To Garrus. To their bed and to mess it up like they never did before. Not even like that night when she saw the evil version of him.

It all seemed so easy now that she reflected on it. In reality, though, it was a hard and long process, filled with many hurdles to overcome. It took three months to gather courage and watch the news from Rannoch. Much to her surprise, she wasn't loathed there. The quarians mourned the loss of their synthetic children, but she was remembered for their reunion and treated like a heroine. The same was on Tuchanka (Bakara said there were seventeen different battle songs composed in her honor already), Earth, Thessia, Sur'Kesh, everywhere really. Even Palaven, her new home. She was finally ready to accept it as such and go outside sometimes, even with the damn suit.

Despite Liara's best efforts, the news about her condition leaked eventually. Shepard was slightly angry at first, although most of that anger came from fear if she was to be honest with herself. There was no need to worry so much, though. Most people were sympathetic and sent their best wishes and hope everything works out for her. And now, at the end of her therapy, she could even believe they weren't lying.

Most people actually  _wanted_  to keep the peace she created. As for the loud minority, who still preferred to point fingers and frown (or possibly do something much worse)… she had to hope they would see the light eventually and overcome their fear of technology and synthetics. She had to, or face the long future of being locked away and talking to things that didn't exist.

That, she wouldn't allow. She made that decision while sobbing in her pillows, tortured by her own misguided grief and anger. The darkest hour of her life, but it made her see and appreciate the light.

Shepard smiled as she looked at the picture of Bakara holding little Mordin. Her friend was right. There was always a way out.

* * *

Garrus stared at the open door, feeling his heart thumping in his throat. This was the longest second of his life. Not even the moment between when he saw Sidonis' back and when he disappeared into the crowd lasted as long.

Shepard appeared in the doorway with a huge grin on her face and in the next moment she was in his arms. Garrus nearly crushed her against his body from hugging her so tight.

"I'm free and all yours," she whispered in his ear and their foreheads touched. He chuckled, not really aware of what he was doing. He was just too damn happy and was quite sure she felt the same.

They remained like that for maybe a minute, or maybe several hours. Garrus honestly couldn't tell. Ever since he entered this room, time lost its natural flow and went either too fast or too slow. Shepard finally pulled away a little, and her eyes were slightly wet. He tried not to fret about it. Not all tears were bad, he knew that now.

"Where's my suit?" Shepard asked casually. "I'm ready to get outta here."

Somebody cleared throat loudly and they both became aware of Dr. Chakwas and Shepard's doctor who were looking at them with a mildly amused expression on their faces.

"There was a reason I insisted to come with Garrus," Chakwas explained, "and it's not just to do your paperwork."

Garrus felt embarrassed. Were they really so lost in their embrace that they haven't noticed Chakwas finishing up Shepard's release? He guessed they were. And what was this other reason she mentioned? He had no idea.

"There is a joint Palaven-Earth scientific project that I know about," she continued, "and they've recently made a breakthrough." She pulled a small spray bottle out of her pocket and tossed it at Shepard who caught it deftly.

"You… you didn't," Shepard gasped. "An anti-radiation sunblock? Please tell me it's working."

Chakwas nodded. "Tested and reliable! No sunburn, fever or any bad effects!"

With a short yelp of happiness Shepard disappeared in the nearest bathroom to apply the spray. Garrus just watched her run, wondering for a moment if this was a setback or not. It wasn't, he decided and the pocket holding his breather mask suddenly felt heavier. He hated the damn thing because it restricted him, so how could he blame Shepard for feeling the same about the whole suit?

Shepard soon returned from the bathroom, with an even huger smile on her face and urged him to leave this place. He couldn't agree more. As they walked to his skycar, she leaned into him. It was so good to know she did so because she wanted to be closer to him, and not because she couldn't walk. He couldn't wait until they get home. If Chakwas wasn't with them, he'd be tempted to set the autopilot path and play exhibitionist in the busy traffic of Cipritine.

As the hospital disappeared behind them, Garrus had the feeling like it was more then a building they left behind.


End file.
